bittersweet

is leaving a blessing or a curse?
this bittersweet taste still lingers on my tongue

shit happens

So lately I've been going through some shit and I just wanted to say thanks to all my friends who are there for support. wether they know what i'm going through or not them just being around is help enough. Thanks to those who didnt ask questions when I didn't want to talk. Thanks to those who listened on the way to class when I was ready to talk. Thanks to those who did me crazy favors and acted like it was nothing out of the norm. And thanks to all the amazing hugs which make my day all that much better. Shit happens but thats why I'm glad to have friends like all of YOU!!!!!


Everytime he talks to you, you get this feeling
you've been searching for the word to describe it
but nothing seems to fit
ell let me help you out
VULNERABLE
he wants to know answers your not ready to give
makes you feel bad no matter the answer
puts you on the spot
doesn't listen
tears down your shield
and doesnt stop there
he finds your weaknesses, skewers them and throws them on the grill
you ignore him
he persues you harder
you fee like you have no control
fal asleep in the fetal postition
the only way you feel safe
he's got you so vulnerable
now what will he do with you
you hold hugs longer
hoping the arms holding you in will hold him out
hold peoples hands
wishing they never leave you alone
vulnerable, girl
he's got yu so vulnerable

goodbye

Silently standing in the middle of a canyon
emptiness surrounds me
the tall walls cast their judgmental shadows
all my energy has been used up
but all i have produced is an empty void
a river of tears runs through my canyon
tears I've cried for him, tears I've cried for myself
tears i wish to cry no more
you've dried up all my emotional ports
i tried to help you but i hurt myself in the process
luckily i have someone who is willing to old my hand
he helps me think about my own needs
he tells me to just ignore you and that may just be what i have to do
it will take time to fill my canyon
but with the support of others i ill fill it with love and happiness
with you around my efforts will be cancelled out
so i have to say goodbye
and focus on y canyon and filling it to the top
the blue sky will again be within my reach
4/13/10 Sitting in sw and inspiration strikes!

and play with editing tools on my computer

like to explore w/ my camera in hand

leaving a comment

If you would like to leave a comment(I would really appreciate it) and you don't have a google account thats ok! you can just click submit comment as anonymous and then you can put your name in the body of the comment! thanks for reading :D

realization of what I already knew

So I'll start with the disclaimer! I have no problem with being single....I actually think its needed from time to time. Heck some people are better single and that's a OK with me. But people always ask me: so why have you never had a boyfriend? And I've never really came up with a solid reason why, not the right time, not the right guy, I like being alone and the list goes on..... But this weekend Had a very nice conversation with one of my friends. I was kinda down and he was trying to empower me to go after what I want and unintentionally he made me feel like crap for the way I think. And I thank him for that. Because it bugged me all day and night :/ along with some other college drama. So I sat down this afternoon to write about the other drama trying to get it off my mind but ended up realizing something I already knew. The first step is to admit I have a problem. well we can check that off the list today:D thought I would share what I wrote just for myself......to get it out in the open and maybe it won't be so daunting!


Incapable of love?
Many of reasons I have come up with for the reason which I am 'alone'
and always have been.
But all they amount to are a pile of excuses
I don't need anyone, I don't like anyone, I like being alone, jerk, not my type, to talkative...........
I fall for those who are leaving
And if they aren't leaving, I am.
It a method of self defense
but it has become a method of self destruction
I am the reason
truth be told deep down Ive discovered the reason
I'm scared
scared of opening up
scared of being vulnerable
scared of caring for a person
and even scared of having someone care back
scared of becoming attached
and scared I'll be taken away
I'm not sure how to break this destructive pattern
secretly I tell myself when the right person comes along none of this will matter
but is my rut to deep to jump out of?
I need a rope thrown down to me
and a patient hand to pull me up
For this is not going to be easy
And the dirt may crumble as I try to climb
but I want o get out
no matter how hard the battle
no matter how long it takes
I'm ready to get out!